please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
