fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
