Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
