your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
