Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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