I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize