Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
