I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
