what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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