Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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