On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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