When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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