do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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