32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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