Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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