It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
