I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
