im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize