glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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