i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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