I hate all girls vehemently.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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