he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
