I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
