i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
