Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
