Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
