i wish starbucks made bloody marys
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You were trust falling into bushes
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
