I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
