Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
