My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
