you guys were way drunker than both of me
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
