Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
