you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
