Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
