are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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