I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
