That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
