my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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