alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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