How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
