they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
