all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize