she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
