There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
