shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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