My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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