the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize