I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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