Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Randomize
