i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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