she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
a search helicopter?!
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
