Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
