I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Randomize
