dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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