Apparently you make a good broom.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
