Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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