If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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