Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
