I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
