i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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