So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
