Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
