smell my finger.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
