Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
