I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
no you cant smoke seaweed
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
