I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
